I Wanna Be Like Santa (MUST READ)

This is a storified message for everyone who likes to an FBI. 

Disclaimer: the FBI here has no pistols, no uniforms, no access to people’s social security number, no nothing and no links with the Federal Bureau of Investigation. He is just simply a Fine Boy International (FBI). I got to know about being an FBI from junior colleagues in school and I was excited to make a move, join the FBI or, at least, get my intelligence tested. What met my face was that not all FBIs have intelligence. They only had to be a fine boy. As much as I would have loved to be an FBI, I wasn’t comfortable with the word ‘boy’ in it. I wanted to be a man, so I had to look for a new anchor.

        On my search for an anchor, I met many young and old men with different qualities and attributes but, the most astonishing man I met was Santa. Dressed in his usual red overall gown, Santa amazed me with his ever flowing, always white beards. Even with a heavy load of gifts on his shoulder, he never gets tired of moving around. He seems so ordinary and incomplete without the beards. This is the same Santa I seldom used to be afraid of, as a baby, when Mom took me to see him at BCOS Ibadan Christmas carol.

I have always been told that Santa comes from Rome until one faithful day in primary school when our black Santa Uncle mistakenly removed his large head covering and the long cooking-stove woolen moustache fell off. We all shouted Uncle Jibola(not real name), so you are Santa? I still don’t understand where exactly Santa comes from but I am sure it isn’t Rome. Probably somewhere close to it. Of all the features of Father Xmas I cherish, it is his long flowing beard that gives me goose bumps.

 Santa can’t be Santa without his beard. Or have you ever come across a beardless Santa? I guess he keeps that property so as to look mature, original and also righteous. Yes! Righteous, because that’s the way of ancient men of God. From Noah to Abraham to Moses to Jesus to Muhammad, none of them was beardless. Even the most comical and unreal images that describe these great men never leaves them without beard. Aristotle, Plato, Newton, Faraday, Einstein, Ojuku and our own Prof Soyinka all have beards. As a matter of fact, it’s a sign of intelligence, maturity and wisdom. These great ones didn't keep their beards because of the absence of shaving blades or lack of wisdom. They kept it as a mark of dignity and respect for the men they were. Despite the fact that they lived in different times and across different lands, they all shared that property. That couldn't have been a mere coincidence. And so, I think Santa has made a wise choice. 

Unfortunately, this choice has become old-school and archaic in our present day society. All of a sudden, the beardless man is simply the gentleman while the others aren’t. We now see keeping beards as barbaric and uncivilized due to our wrong orientation about the subject. We often link it to some sort of unrelated issues like threat and insecurity. Or should I say our generation is suffering from over-westernization? Scientifically speaking, it has been proven that beards make men hotter and creepier. A man with beards has more market-value than his clean-shaved counterparts.  

I encourage you to keep your beard and be a man. Remember to keep it clean, combed and perfumed always. This will make you look more handsome and nicer than you will without your beards. It’s a gift you were given for being a man. If Santa is accepted with his long beard, why shouldn’t you? You don’t necessarily have to carry a load of gift around like Santa, you just need to wear your beard. This will make you an FBI with the looks of Santa. That’s finally what I wanna be.

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